been doing the same mistake all over again. i've misinterpreted and have misunderstood. nanay's right. i never learn.
snoozed at5/23/2005 09:59:00 PM .
bakit nga ba ganun. pag nakikita ko siya hindi ko naman magawang malungkot. masaya parin ako pag alam kong nasa anjan siya malapit sa akin. only in my solitude does everything sink in. tulad ngayon. pero talagang tuwing maririnig ko ang boses niya, makita ko yung shadow niya, ok na ko. i can already call my day A day. just a little of 'him' that enters my senses seem to secure me. ahh. i want him to know that. gusto ko malaman niya kasi gusto kong maging aware siya sa gravity ng nararamdaman ko, hindi dahil gusto kong ireturn niya sakin yung love ko. gusto ko lang talaga. well maybe there's this selfish feeling na i want him to regard me as someone important dahil lalong importante siya para sakin. gets? parang nakarelate ako dun sa isang post sa www.postsecret.blogspot.com (check it out, maganda), sabi niya, 'i really love him, but i just can't say it'. hayyy. kahit parang napapagod nako sa mga nangyayari, hindi ako magpapadala. ayoko magpadala. bakit? kasi gusto ko tong nararamdaman ko. gusto ko na mahal ko siya, kahit ano pang consequence. kaya nga everytime nalang na makita ko siya talagang nakakalimutan ko na in love siya sa isang kaibigan ko. nakakalimutan ko na sa pagiisa ko at naiisip ko sila, sobrang nasasaktan ako. yun talaga yung effect niya sa akin. euphoria. mania pa nga. kakatakot ako noh? im getting psychotic. maybe ganito talaga ang feeling ng in-love.
pero just like any human, gusto ko rin naman na maramdaman na mabalik yung pakiramdam na binibigay ko kay.. sa kanya. pero sa mga circumstances ngayon eh mukhang imposible na sa kanya ko makuha yung hinahanap ko na Need. parang sa sinabi ni Father of Modern Psychology Carl Jung, ang goal ng tao ay makahanap ng WHOLENESS, at si Maslow naman sabi niya na goal din natin ang SELF ACTUALIZATION, i'll need someone to COMPLETE ME. kaya naman ngayong merong someone akong GUSTO [emphasis mine] na nagpaparamdam din sa akin, hindi ko na isasara yung opportunity.. sana lang gusto niya talaga ako at hindi ko lang namimisinterpret yung mga sinasabi niya.
naku antok nako. wala na akong sense.
snoozed at5/22/2005 12:28:00 AM .
bakit ganun? ang lungkot lungkot ng buhay. i feel so ugly. i feel so useless. i feel very much unlikeable. why??? can't i ever be good enough for you? im so near, just under your nose!
superficiality sucks. why are most men like that? why are YOU like that? i've found out to myself that there's no point in questioning, after all, i have accepted him wholly, his flaws and strengths combined. but there's nothing wrong with asking WHY, right?
i want to feel loved by him. but how can i control things that are way beyond my control? i've never even had a second of his attention and still i keep on rambling to myself.
eto naman kasi akong si gaga, umaasa na SOMEDAY, baka lang, magustuhan niya ako. i've made a fool out of myself, dreaming up for things that are so obviously impossible. i come to realize im the one to blame. he never showed me any signs of interest, i just thought, or maybe assumed, that he did. it was my fault to fantasize that after telling him how i feel for him, things would be up, romantically, for the both of us. NINCOMPOOP! just the exact word to describe myself. a fool. a moron. an idiot. a born LOSER. after keeping my hopes up in the skies for him, i fall onto the thick slick mud, face first, every organ in my anatomy scattered all over the ground. i'm so stupid.
ahh!! why did i believe what paulo coelho said in his book? a reason why i had my hopes up was because 'By The River Piedra..' said that if you really LOVE, you never lose hope. but now it seems i should not believe everything i read. it only applies to selected people. imbecile aisha thought she was one of them. poor me. now i have to find a way to pick myself up again. help.
now im feeling these songs. :(
OUT OF REACH By Gabrielle
Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused, my heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be
Catch myself from despair
I could drown if I stay here
Keeping busy every day
I know I will be OK
But I was
So confused, my heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be
So much hurt, so much pain
Takes a while to regain what is lost inside
And I hope that in time, you'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you
But now I'm
So confused, my heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there for me
************************************************
BROKEN SONNET By Hale
And now I concede on the night of this 15th song
Of melancholy, of melancholy
And now I will admit in this 4th line
That I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU.
I don’t care what they say
I don’t care what they do
‘Cause tonight I’ll leave my fears behind
‘Cause tonight I’ll be right at your side.
Lie down right next to me
Lie down right next to me
And I will never let go
Will never let go.
The clock on the TV says 8:39 PM
It’s the same, it’s the same
And in this next line I’ll say it all over again
That I love you, I love you.
I don’t care what they say
I don’t care what they do
‘Cause tonight I’ll leave my fears behind
‘Cause tonight I’ll be right at your side.
Lie down right next to me
Lie down right next to me
And I will never let go
Will never let go.
I’ll leave my fears behind
‘Cause tonight I’ll be right at your side.
Lie down right next to me
Lie down right next to me
And I will never let go
Will never let go.
But still I see the tears from your eyes
Maybe I’m just not the one for you...
snoozed at5/10/2005 09:10:00 AM .