i feel so heavy.
but ironically, i feel light at the same time.
light-headed, i suppose.
so forgive me for my disorganized thoughts.
*************
"i guess you've heard, i guess you know,
IN TIME, i MIGHT HAVE TOLD YOU,but i guess im too slow..
and it's
OVERLY ROMANTIC,
BUT I KNOW THAT IT'S REAL
i hope you don't mind if i say what i feel.
It's like I'm in somebody else's dream,
This could not be happening to me.
But you were there, and you were everything I'd never seen.
You woke me up from this long and endless sleep.
I was alone.
I opened my eyes and you were there.
Don't be alarmed, no don't be concerned.
I DONT WANT TO CHANGE THINGS,
LEAVE THEM JUST AS THEY WERE.
I mean
NOTHING's really different
IT'S ME who feel strange.
I'm always lost for words when someone mentions your name.
I know that
I'LL GET OVER THIS, for sure
I'M NOT THE TYPE WHO DREAMS THERE COULD BE MOREBut you were there, and you were everything I'd never seen.
You woke me up from this long and endless sleep.
I was alone.
I opened my eyes and you were there.
Can I take your smile home with me,
or the magic in your hair?
The rain has stopped, the storm has passed
Look at all the colors now the sun's here at last.
i suppose that you'll be leaving, but i want you to know
PART OF YOU STAYS WITH ME EVEN AFTER YOU GO
Like an actor playing someone else's scene
This could not be happening to me.
But you were there, and you were everything I'd never seen.
You woke me up from this long and empty sleep.
I was alone.
I opened my eyes and no, I'm not alone, I'm not alone.
I opened my eyes and you were there.
*************
hayy, you.
now you know.
but what next?
i don't know.
do you?
*************
i am still in pain. im hurting. please Lord, make the pain go away. i might not be able to take it
anymore. i thought i could, because i should, but now that im here, right here, right now.. i feel like im falling apart. sometimes i just want to let gravity pull me down, to follow the current, to surrender. sometimes i want to fight it until im too far away from that pulling source, until i reach that point of freedom, where i can do anything i want, and be happy.
i want to fly, to soar.
"and i'll fly with you through the night
so you know i'm not letting go, i'm not letting go.."
but i AM letting you go.
the moment you knew, i decided to let go.
no, i decided to let you go WAY before that moment, but it was so hard because a part of me still
wanted to hold on. my emotions took over me, so letting you go seemed so impossible. so i dont
know, have i really let him go?
the pain is tearing me apart. it is excruciating, but i chose to bear it, and now there's no turning back.
empty. drained. total nothingness.
i lost everything, even my pride. my ego. nothing was left for me.
that is the problem with loving too much, when you give your everything to that person, and you suddenly realize that you forgot to leave some for yourself. in my case, kahit pride ko nalang sana yung matira, pero hindi e, binigay ko parin sa kanya.
ayan tuloy, hindi ko alam kung pano pupulutin sarili ko.
i can't do it alone, i need someone to help me.. but who?
HIM?
no, i'd rather not ask him.
suddenly, i want to run. i feel like it.
i want to run as fast as i can, and farther than what my eyes can travel. i want to run, but i don't want to get bruised.. i've had enough bruises and cuts. i don't want to end up debilitated.
i want to be in some place that's far away, somewhere out of sight,
but not out of reach.
and i want to throw up.
i want to draw out this certain thing inside me that hinders me from being okay. but i dont want to go through the pain-- the dizziness, stomachaches, and the crying-- that precedes and follows it.
because im sick and tired of hurting. im sick of it! SO SICK OF IT!
but how can i get out of this, when it was me who decided to feel all of this in the first place?
who's to blame but me?
"is it enough to love, is it enough to breathe?
somebody rip my heart out and leave me here to bleed.
is it enough to die, somebody save my life!"
The pain just won't stop right now, but it will, i know. it may be a slow process, but i dont care, as long as i get there.
"He is in deed a dream. A dream i never wish to end. I am
holding on to that dream that is why i wouldnt want
to let go yet, but holding on for as long as i can
DOESN'T MEAN I'LL BE HOLDING ON FOREVER."
************
i have a MATH MAJOR friend who came up with an equation:
love=proximity*frequency.
reminds me of someone who once told me, "we'd still be the same,
although we'd be lessening the intimacy and the frequency."
so does it mean we're lessening love?
so it WAS love between us?
oh hell yeah, that's love.
FRIENDLY LOVE.
ano ba aisha, ano bang hindi mo maintindihan?!
kasi naman si Neal eh, hindi specific ang LOVE sa equation mo! bagsak ka na sa MATH!!!
(hey, mamimiss ka namin nila DANIE at JAM pag umalis ka na papuntang AUSTRALIA, which is like, today na?! tol di ka namin makakalimutan.)
************
on second thought, he hasn't took everything away from me yet. not yet.
i still have two things left.
i still have HOPE and LOVE.
"someday,
someone will walk into your life and make you realize
why love never worked out with anyone else."
now, that's a good one to start with.
snoozed at3/24/2006 10:04:00 AM .
im still thinking of you.
but i feel so much like a bitch.
tama si nadine, im like that slutty N###y..
nang aagaw ng hindi naman dapat sakin..
pinipilit na maging sentro ng buhay niya..
e hindi naman.
pero kelan ba ko magiging masaya..?
don't i deserve to be happy too?
why can't i, for once, be loved back by the one i love?
why do i always find someone better than me,
even if im not competing with her?
why do you think it's better to remain unnoticed than
to be in your place? what is it that you're experiencing
that's so unfortunate?
what could be better in this world that to be loved
by him? what else?
im trying to be happy for you, but you dont want to
be happy for yourself, and i just dont get it.
love will never be equal between two people.
somebody always loves more, maybe it's you,
but what the heck? who cares?
that's the unselfishness of love, giving up everything,
not expecting anything..
but somehow still gaining everything.
that is happiness.
that is love.
"I don't have to see myself in his eyes just as long as he sees himself in mine.
I don't have to frown when i know his smiles weren't mine just as long as i am smiling because of him and he knows it."
so what are you going nuts about?
say it, get out of your shell.
it's better to regret having done something
than to regret you've been such a coward not to have done it at all.
girl, i hope you chose to do something,
because for you i chose to do nothing.
snoozed at3/20/2006 11:45:00 PM .
my come-back post.. so sad. i hope my next post would have a happier tone.
I could still remember yesterday
We were so in love in a special (er, friendly) way
And knowing that you love me
Makes me feel oh so right...
But now I feel lost
Don't know what to do
Each and everyday I think of you (yes, i do)
Holding back the tears (can't seem to!)
I'm trying with all my might...
Because you're gonna leave me standing all alone
And I know I've got to face tomorrow on my own (bitter truth)
But baby before I let you go
I want to say I love you
I hope that you're listening coz it's true
You'll be forever in my heart
And I know that no one else will do
So before I let you go I want to say
I love you... (i do, i do, i do!)
Letting you go is never easy
But I love you so
That's why I'll set you free, yeah
And I know, someday, somehow,I'll find the way
To leave them all behind me
Give it all beneath to keep it baby
it's so absurd to say, or even think, that you want to let go of someone who was never really yours. to give him away when u never had him. if you had him even for a while, it wouldn't hurt as much as it would if you never did. hayy, the pains of life. after so much happiness, you'd be wishing you were dead than experiencing life's harshness that comes after it..
assuming.. how could one NOT assume? when he tells you things that melt your heart and make it pump more blood faster than ever, when he seems to be always right on time to comfort you, to laugh with you, to cry with you, too boost you up... how CAN'T you wonder if he likes you too? when it seems so obvious? and then reality slaps your face: that's just the way he is. that's just how nice he is. that's just how charming he is. that's just how perfect he is. after knowing how ideal he is, how could you NOT fall??
coz you're everywhere to me
and when i close my eyes
it's you i see
you're everything i know that makes me believe
i'm not alone..
you're in everyone i see
so tell me..
DO YOU SEE ME?
ayoko na maging martyr! it sucks. im turning 20 in a few months and i never felt that my love was reciprocated, ever. i keep on falling for men who just won't like me. ayan nanaman ako sa self-pity mode ko. mana nga ako sa nanay ko! ayoko naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa :'(
this is soooooooooooo sad.
snoozed at1/26/2006 11:02:00 PM .
im such a loser. i've just finished with harry potter 6. to think i was so excited about it! hayy. busy, busy, busy. i'm glad i even found time to blog today!
anyway... retribution! para sa mga hindi pa nakakabasa ng HP6:
DUMBLEDORE's DEAD!!!
haha. don't deny it. you can't have missed the bold letters! ganyan din ang nangyari sakin. heard of the news before i even laid my hands on the book. but then when i said to the person that she really got me pissed off, she said it was just a joke. and so, i believed. but then.. my history professor blurted it out in class!!! he went "but then Dumbledore's dead now so... ooops, maybe i shouldn't have said that." gyaaaa!!! kung hindi ka lang cute, sir!!!!
hmm. i agree with calai's post <<http://calaidescope.blogspot.com>> that there might be some switching going on, Snape being transfigured as Dumbledore and vise-versa.. well maybe i'm also still in a state of shock knowing Dumbledore's really dead.. but some things somehow contradict my theory..
- i believe it was really Dumbledore, and not Snape-as-Dumbledore, who was touched (teary-eyed, to be specific) with what Harry admitting to Scrimgeour that he is "Dumbledore's man through and through". Do you even think a Death Eater is still capable of feeling so.. human???
- Dumbledore never liked the "darkness" of the Dark Arts, especially the killing part of it, so why would he-as-Snape KILL Snape-as-Dumbledore, if he TRUSTED Snape so much? Why use the Avada Kedavra curse on someone you trust?
TO BE CONTINUED.. may practice pa kami ng band!
snoozed at10/13/2005 11:54:00 AM .
i'm in a dilemma.
snoozed at7/04/2005 11:54:00 PM .
been doing the same mistake all over again. i've misinterpreted and have misunderstood. nanay's right. i never learn.
snoozed at5/23/2005 09:59:00 PM .
bakit nga ba ganun. pag nakikita ko siya hindi ko naman magawang malungkot. masaya parin ako pag alam kong nasa anjan siya malapit sa akin. only in my solitude does everything sink in. tulad ngayon. pero talagang tuwing maririnig ko ang boses niya, makita ko yung shadow niya, ok na ko. i can already call my day A day. just a little of 'him' that enters my senses seem to secure me. ahh. i want him to know that. gusto ko malaman niya kasi gusto kong maging aware siya sa gravity ng nararamdaman ko, hindi dahil gusto kong ireturn niya sakin yung love ko. gusto ko lang talaga. well maybe there's this selfish feeling na i want him to regard me as someone important dahil lalong importante siya para sakin. gets? parang nakarelate ako dun sa isang post sa www.postsecret.blogspot.com (check it out, maganda), sabi niya, 'i really love him, but i just can't say it'. hayyy. kahit parang napapagod nako sa mga nangyayari, hindi ako magpapadala. ayoko magpadala. bakit? kasi gusto ko tong nararamdaman ko. gusto ko na mahal ko siya, kahit ano pang consequence. kaya nga everytime nalang na makita ko siya talagang nakakalimutan ko na in love siya sa isang kaibigan ko. nakakalimutan ko na sa pagiisa ko at naiisip ko sila, sobrang nasasaktan ako. yun talaga yung effect niya sa akin. euphoria. mania pa nga. kakatakot ako noh? im getting psychotic. maybe ganito talaga ang feeling ng in-love.
pero just like any human, gusto ko rin naman na maramdaman na mabalik yung pakiramdam na binibigay ko kay.. sa kanya. pero sa mga circumstances ngayon eh mukhang imposible na sa kanya ko makuha yung hinahanap ko na Need. parang sa sinabi ni Father of Modern Psychology Carl Jung, ang goal ng tao ay makahanap ng WHOLENESS, at si Maslow naman sabi niya na goal din natin ang SELF ACTUALIZATION, i'll need someone to COMPLETE ME. kaya naman ngayong merong someone akong GUSTO [emphasis mine] na nagpaparamdam din sa akin, hindi ko na isasara yung opportunity.. sana lang gusto niya talaga ako at hindi ko lang namimisinterpret yung mga sinasabi niya.
naku antok nako. wala na akong sense.
snoozed at5/22/2005 12:28:00 AM .